STFU Biphobia

Why the "Born this Way" Argument Sucks

Wed, 01 May 2013 04:56:25 -0400

the-interr0bang:

angrybisexual:

It is cisheteronormative as fuck and pathologizes LGBT people. It makes our acceptance conditional on being unable to avoid being queer. “I tried to be a good boy, I tried soooo hard to be straight, but I just couldn’t help myself and turned out queer. I know I failed at being straight, but please don’t be mean about it”.

It puts the burden of proof on us. “Prove you were born that way or no rights for you!” This is not asked of other minorities. No one doubts it’s wrong to persecute a religious minorities, even if they haven’t proven that they were born with a gene that makes them believe that way.

It gives all the power to the oppressor. Straight (cishet) people get to decide who was born that way and who wasn’t, in a way that reflects preexisting prejudice. “It’s natural for gays to be that way, but bisexuals are just promiscuous”. “Gays and lesbians just are that way, but trans people are just really, really gay and trying to avoid it”. “Trans women have female brains in male bodies, but non-binary people are just making stuff up”. The general formulation would be: “[Group I approve of] were born that way and it’s okay, but [group I dislike or don’t understand] are just [prejudice]”. This benefits the more mainstream elements of the LGBT community (read LGs) and leaves more marginalized elements behind and does not constitute true liberation.

The accusation of having a choice (i.e choosing the homosexual lifestyle) is just a rationalization for many people. Bigots already made up their minds. And then they just look for any argument that supports their stance. If they actually believed in respecting people that were born that way then there would be no mistreatment of intersex people, who were obviously born intersex. (I’m bringing up intersex people, because discrimination towards them and LGBT people shares many root causes and therefore looking at how they are treated reveals something about the mindset of our common oppressors. I hope this does not come across as me trying to appropriate their struggles or being disrespectful).

The origin of sexual orientation and gender identity is not yet fully understood by science, research is still active. It could still turn out that we weren’t “born that way” after all.

So what’s the alternative, you ask? Well, we could just insist that a person’s sexuality and gender is personal and, therefore, you should just accept people even if you don’t understand their motivations. Also, on a personal level, we should be able to freely express ourselves as queer if that feels right. The question of our essential self is irrelevant (if such a self exists at all).

Final note. There is consensus among psychologists that forcefully trying to change someone’s sexual orientation doesn’t work. It just doesn’t. We don’t have to be born this way for “conversion therapy” to be abusive.

I hate when people get into queerness like this. What does it matter to you if I explain my queerness this way to the otherwise-religiously-conservative people in my life? The people who otherwise would’ve never been exposed to queerness and continued to live in their heteronormative bubble? By letting the people in my life understand that I didn’t choose to be queer, I’m able to salvage relationships that would’ve otherwise been lost. Relationships that I’ve spent over 19 years building. Relationships with my grandmothers, my aunts, my uncles. Relationships with my parents’ friends. Relationships that will be built with my now-five-year-old cousin.

If queerness really is personal, why is it the LGBT community’s business as to how I explain my queerness and what language I use to inform the people in my life so that I get my point across (that I did not actively decide to be queer), without severing ties? I’m sorry, but what language I use to explain myself to the people in my life should not be the LGBT community’s decision. And I get that Tumblr is full of bloggers who feel that this is their only outlet, but let’s remember our “I” statements, shall we? There’s a better way to educate than to make me feel like shit for coming out and being open with the people in my life without severing the ties that their religion and/or upbringing tells them that they should sever.

By explaining, on a religious level, that their God intended for me to be exactly as I am (because their God does not make mistakes), their worldview is kept intact. Maybe even widened a little by the possibility that queer people are children of their God, as well.

I did not mean to shame anyone for doing what they have to to survive, nor to police how people conduct their relationships. The language you use is not the LGBT community’s business. No one is obligated to participate in identity politics.

However, I can and will be critical of the form our politics take and point out problematic aspects of a commonly used argument. Especially if it leaves behind a group of people I happen to belong to.

I hardcore agree that the “Born This Way” argument sucks as well. OF COURSE I understand that some folks have to use it to survive. That’s not what I’m criticizing. I’m criticizing the fact that anyone has to use it at all. Just as described above, it is apologetic and gives power to the oppressor. To clarify, I would NEVER fault someone who uses the argument such as to keep a relationship with their family. I fault the system that causes the argument to be the only valid option for us in many situations.

"Both heterosexuals and homosexuals view bisexuality with misunderstanding, mistrust, hostility, and..."

Wed, 01 May 2013 04:42:07 -0400

“Both heterosexuals and homosexuals view bisexuality with misunderstanding, mistrust, hostility, and alienation. These scenarios do not leave bisexuals in the situation often referred to as ‘‘having the best of both worlds,’’ because ‘both worlds are closets’.”

-
from Attitudes and Self-Images of Male and Female Bisexuals by Carol D. Bronn

“both worlds are closets”

Ouch. That one hit home.

(via loveintheshadowsistheonlykind)

fucknobiphobia: For the people who say that biphobia doesn’t...

Wed, 01 May 2013 04:41:06 -0400

fucknobiphobia:

For the people who say that biphobia doesn’t exist. Yes, I know it’s just some stupid internet thing and it doesn’t prove anything, but it still shows a general pattern at least.

interestingggg

fucknobiphobia: buzzfeedlgbt: Frank Ocean Models And Is...

Sat, 23 Mar 2013 08:10:18 -0400

fucknobiphobia:

buzzfeedlgbt:

Frank Ocean Models And Is Beautiful

Look at this lovely bisexual man :)

I'm a very gender neutral gal, short layered hair, complete voice control, toned, with some masculine features passed down from my native american ancestors (Lucky me). But I'm all gal from top to bottom. Though I hate labels. Believe it or not, I never limit my love, guy, girl, trans, robots, personality, anything that pulls my heart strings. And thing, nobody knows! But that's because they never ask. My dad's very homophobic, wait till I come home with a girl wrapped around my arm laughing ;).

Sat, 23 Mar 2013 07:58:03 -0400

Labels mainly exist so that others can try to understand us better…. In many cases, unnecessary! (although they can also be empowering when used correctly :) In the words of Autostraddle… You do you!

Part 6: It angers me because if she knows I'm gay why doesn't she come clean and tell me, she's flirting and huddling against me and it feels so warming. I don't want her to be just a tease... or just a friend. If she knows I'm straight, then why this? Is she try to convince me to like girls when I'm already gay? I don't even if she does this with other girls. Maybe she knows I'm gay... and she wants me to just come out and tell her I love her. I don't know...

Sat, 23 Mar 2013 07:55:23 -0400

6… ahhh I want to know the rest of the story… !!!

Part 5: She breaks up with her boyfriend and in comes no sorrow about it. My chance? But wait... I can't. I'm still keeping myself from revealing my own sexuality. What's the point? She tries to keep her flirting subtle, as do I. Should I come out, or keep it in? It scared me. Because maybe she didn't really feel the same for me... Maybe her main priority was on guys... maybe I misunderstood her behavior. Maybe she thought I was straight, and decided to keep from pushing it. It angers me.

Sat, 23 Mar 2013 07:54:54 -0400

5…

Part 2: I asked her "Rochelle, are you really bi?", I don't even know why I asked. She had a boyfriend, and... I don't know. And mind you, I was still 'In the closet'. And she said yes. Now this excited me because I got to thinking, maybe all this flirting, cuddling, teasing was maybe real? Some people could mistaken that as girls being good friends and being comfortable enough to do so, but maybe this was something... a sign? But she doesn't know I was gay, so maybe it wasn't.

Sat, 23 Mar 2013 07:54:44 -0400

2…

queerascat: Queerplatonic: a hella useful word that everyone...

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 06:24:07 -0400

queerascat:

Queerplatonic: a hella useful word that everyone should know.

See: The Pursuit of Harpyness: Queerplatonic Life Partners

Some thoughts about the biphobia blog

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 06:09:09 -0400

bidyke:

So - someone opened a blog dedicated to biphobia (SRSLY). And it’s been really bothering me. Maybe because I see myself as partially responsible for the chain of events that caused this blog to open (by writing the monosexual privilege checklist). So I thought I should try to get it out of my system by writing about it.

So:

This is a thing I’ve already said in another thread: “I think the biphobia blog is simultaneously terrible and magnificent. When there’s a backlash, it means we’re making a noise, it means that people are talking about it. It means the bi community on tumblr has become loud enough for the biphobes to feel like they need to fight us, which means we’re causing a threat. All of which, in turn, is way better than silence.”

Having said that, it also really bothers me and saddens me to see this kind of biphobia aimed at bisexuals from lesbians. This has had a very long history, particularly in the US, where bi women were all but made pariah, cast out of communities, been the target of this violent biphobia, and had to face all of this bullshit - not online, but in real life. And while this deepens my solidarity with those bi women in lesbian communities who have had to go through this bullshit (not that it stopped, I think it probably just reduced in number, plus I know for a fact that these things still happen in the US), it makes me frustrated, angry and sad that this is happening at all.

The one thing I absolutely cannot get is why lesbians would want to divert their energy and resources to fighting bi women. Even if bi women were a problem, is there really nothing more important for lesbians to do? Are we suddenly in rainbow utopia land where lesbians don’t face oppression, violence, sexual violence, health and mental health disparities, discrimination, etc.? Has heteropatriarchy been smashed and nobody told me? By setting biphobia as a target for lesbian communities, they are in fact marking us as a worse problem than all of the above. WTF is that?

And in turn, this type of biphobia and violence makes us, bi tumblr, divert our energies to fighting lesbians instead of focusing on straight biphobia and monosexism. That this blog was opened makes it an urgent, pressing problem for bi tumblr, and it means we’re writing about lesbian biphobia instead of straight monosexism. This means it’s also diverting bi women’s energy away from the actual problems (which are so much more severe and important). So fucking useless!

Also, I have to admit that I’m also a bit bored with thinking about lesbian biphobia. Been there, done that, etc. It stopped being interesting about two decades ago. There are entire books written about this. SRSLY, can we move on?

Another thought is that during my first 2-3 years as a bi activist, I made it a point to be confrontational in gay community contexts (“gay” is intentional, as in GGGG). I became the target of much violence (including physical violence) and biphobia of the worst kind, and though I continued relentlessly, very little came out of it for me. The achievement I and my community have made were too few and far in between to compensate for all the energy that I was expending on getting there. In fact, it made me fall ill with fibromyalgia. In the recent 2 years I’ve been diverting my activist energy away from gay communities and into the bi community (facilitating consciousness raising groups, doing community organizing, writing a book, etc.), and this was probably the best (and most radical) thing I have ever done in terms of activism. But seeing that blog kinda reminded me of how it felt in those first few years.

There, those are my thoughts. Bi tumblr, what do you think?

My comment really does nothing to further this conversation, but I’m gonna say it anyway. Massive tumblr crushing on bidyke right now.

allpeoplescareme: If you’re bisexual, struggling with people’s...

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 05:53:59 -0400

allpeoplescareme:

If you’re bisexual, struggling with people’s perceptions/questions about your bisexuality or generally want to know some more information about bi-sexuality, please please watch this video.Feeling the need to “prove” my bisexuality and going through that interrogation with people was the single most difficult thing about coming out and I did a lot of lying to try and get people to take me seriously.

Also, this guys has some of the most intelligent opinions and commentary on queer issues. He’s also the biggest doctor who geek out there. What’s not to love

In re fybiphobia

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 05:50:30 -0400

fucknobiphobia:

I really don’t think it’s possible to reason with these people, so let them be pissed off and divisive over there. I would not recommend engaging with them, and I hope they leave you alone as well.

Monosexism absolutely is a thing, not that monosexuals would know very much about that. Let them be ignorant. The very idea that bisexuals as a community can shit on anyone by virtue of being bisexual is absurd, considering when we’re authentically ourselves, we’re not really accepted in either straight or gay circles. How we would even have the power to be truly oppressive (and not just individually shitty, which I acknowledge is entirely possible) is beyond me. The fact is, bisexuals ARE NOT straight and DO NOT have straight privilege. We may or may not have straight-passing privilege, but that depends on the individual and how well they “pass” for straight. All bisexuals do not have straight-passing privilege automatically by being bisexual.This is all I will say on the subject, as I believe this is all there is to be said. They will never see things our way, so why get in a hissy fit about it?

I will not engage with any monosexist trolls, so don’t bother. I will delete any bullshit that is submitted or messaged to me, will not respond to negative reblogs, and will be using the block button liberally. I hope to not have to turn anon off, because some people who have not come out submit here, but I will turn off anon if I have to. This is a space primarily for bisexuals. You have the rest of tumblr to shit on us. I welcome monosexuals who are understanding, but this is a safe space for bisexuals first and foremost. Respect that or leave.

*edited to change “monosexual privilege” to “monosexism,” I fucked that up because I had the wrong words floating around in my head, also I’ve had a few

I love this. The end.

Some thoughts on monosexual privilege

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 05:48:46 -0400

fucknobiphobia:

Currently posting several bi people’s opinions on the topic. I think the voices of all bi folks need to be heard, so I am posting several viewpoints.

Personally, I am loathe to call it “monosexual privilege” in relation to monosexual queer folks, because they are not privileged like straight people are. I would prefer “biphobia” since there seems to be feelings of dislike for bisexuals just because of who they are, but in terms of perpetrating real, serious oppression, that’s straight people. The worst monosexual queers do is exclude us from queer spaces which our rightfully ours as well. I don’t discount how shitty this is. However, I wouldn’t attack fellow queers for being the root problem with monosexism, not when they are not privileged themselves. The fact is, monosexual queers probably don’t have the societal power to really, truly oppress bi folks. Straight people are our oppressors, first and foremost. I will, however, be happy to call monosexual queers out on their biphobia. Just because it isn’t oppressive like behavior from straight folks, doesn’t mean it can’t be very hurtful and shitty. That’s why I’m here!

I feel it necessary to point out that (at least as I read it) the idea of monosexual privilege isn’t “attacking” anyone. Least of all, monosexual Queer folks. And there is no way I would ever consider all monosexual privilege the same. OBVIOUSLY folks who are heterosexual take the cake when it comes to privilege in this context. However, Queer rights institutions are a place where power dynamics take place, just like everywhere else in society. In many cases, the white gay cis male is the face of the Queer movement. Which can leave some of us behind in some respects. Similarly, monosexual queer folks are also the face of the Queer movement, leaving non-monosexual folks behind in many respects. The monosexual privilege checklist is a few examples that may or may not hold true in different cases. It is meant to provoke thoughts on the issue, and absolutely not to tear us apart as a Queer community.

so the whole biphobia/monosexual privilege controversey...

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 05:39:45 -0400

iphisquandary:

why are you guys at each other’s throats?
clearly there are unique problems bis face
like higher suicide rates, depression rates and less community support
and biphobia in the community
maybe there is monosexual privilege maybe there isn’t?
can’t we discuss it like adults?
I don’t understand why we can’t because clearly there are problems with bi representation and the bi community and the LGBT community
and whatever word we call it (biphobia, homophobia, monosexual privilege)
it exists and i think we need to discuss it
and yeah, maybe some bi people are being homophobic and there are problems there too
and maybe there are problems with the term “monosexual privilege”
but I think we should be able to talk about this shit without making mocking blogs that don’t help anyone
or calling the “enemy” biphobic just for having a problem with the term “monosexual privilege”
or the otherside calling bis homophobic for giving voice to their frustrations

just sick of the bickering - this is something worthy of discussion but you’re all being immature and nearsighted and self-righteous about it

and there’s a shit ton of internalized queerphobia back and forth

Yes, queerphobia back and forth. Stop it!

Hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground: Can't believe there's literally a pro-Biphobia blog

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 05:38:04 -0400

Hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground: Can't believe there's literally a pro-Biphobia blog:

standpointarchives:

fyeahbiphobia.tumblr.com

This isn’t a joke.

What the author doesn’t get is that everyone can be homo/bi/les/gay/xeno-phobic, regardless of whatever group you identity with. No one’s perfect; it happens. We all have things we need to work on, both as individuals and as entire cultures and…

Having internal conflict about whether I should even be giving visibility to this crap. But appreciative of everyone spending their energy on standing against it.

The logic of lesbian separatism

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 05:28:34 -0400

faphand:

“Women who call themselves bisexual are the only women who are really heterosexual.”

I beg pardons for not being in the state of mind at the moment to say this in a more constructive way: this fucking shit fucking pisses me off. The only thing I’ll say is that I identify as BOTH a lesbian and as bisexual. I would love it if there could be some constructive conversation around this post… Ready, go!

"The question lesbian and gay people need to answer is not “Why are transgender issues suddenly..."

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 17:14:59 -0500

“The question lesbian and gay people need to answer is not “Why are transgender issues suddenly demanding so much attention?” but rather “Why have we abandoned transgender people and their concerns in our rush for equality?”.”

- Transgender Communities: Developing Identity Through Connection
Lev AI in Bieschke et al (2007)

*slow clap* Perfect

(via foreverqueird)

"It would be a great boon to all of us if there were more social space for self-defined bisexuals...."

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 17:13:51 -0500

“It would be a great boon to all of us if there were more social space for self-defined bisexuals. This would mean that we would all be a little freer from exclusivist and essentialist definitions. Of course, because our society is rigidly gendered and is heterosexist in structure, it would be utopian to imagine that bisexuality could exist in a haven beyond gender and beyond gay oppression. But even a bisexuality with all the contradictions imposed on it by our society can help to challenge the sexual status quo. Contradictions, after all, are the moving force of history.”

- Mariana Valverde, Sex, Power, and Pleasure (p. 120)

Hi. I just read your bi vs pan post. I realised a few months ago that I'm bi (or at least I think so, I'm kind of unsure about bi-sexual, bi-curious, pan, fluid, or just really confused, but whatever). My friend (who I've got a huge crush on) identifies as pan, and even though I think I might be too, I just feel more comfortable saying I'm bi. It's easier to explain, includes a variety of under categories, and honestly I don't see the need to have that many similar terms. Did I have a point? :P

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 17:09:35 -0500

You’re in luck! You’re the only one who gets to define you. Really, we could come up with labels for days to describe each and every little difference, but is it necessary? Whatever feels best for you is what’s right :]

Just wanted to tell you how much I admire your posts about the importance of solidarity among bisexuals and pansexuals -- and all sexualities, really. Though I love the tumblr community, it's been heartbreaking to see the animosity from both sides. "Sides" -- I can't believe it's like that! We should all be supporting each other's forms of expression and identity, not focusing on our differences and the trivialities of definitions. So yeah, thanks for making such an awesome blog!

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 17:06:01 -0500

Thank you! I agree sooooooooooo much. Solidarity!